I used to tease Jeff every so often, when we were laying on the couch together or on the moto, by saying "when are you going to put a baby in me?" It was crass, superficial, a pretty one-sided request, and really not something that I meant. Eventually, after a few years of saying this maybe once a month, he turned to me and said, "are you serious? Because if you are, we should talk about it." We decided we would make a final decision over the Christmas holidays. The discussion ultimately occurred when we were in the car on the way down to Sihanoukville to celebrate the holidays with friends for a few days. It ended with Jeff turning to me and proclaiming, "let's have a baby!"
We had a trip planned to Sri Lanka that April, so we decided that I would stop my birth control once we got back from that trip. Many of my friends and acquaintances had babies already, and I had heard a lot about best practice for getting pregnant. There were cycles to learn about, apps that could help, steps to take -- but I didn't want to go this route. I was young and healthy and I figured if we just went about our lives, stuck to our usual patterns, without birth control we were bound to get pregnant.
In the end, it took until December to make that a reality. We think we actually got pregnant when we were on a trip to Kampot, which is a wonderful thought because it's a wonderful place. One of our favorites, a quaint and quirky riverside town about three hours from Phnom Penh. We have visited Kampot a few times every year since 2012 and it never ceases to reinvigorate our love for this country -- the lush green rice fields on either side of the road on the ride down, the various modes of transport that in turns make us smile or shriek, and in Jeff's words, "the streets in Kampot are so wide and good for walking!" Taking a riverboat ride, watching the sunset, going for a dip in the pool at our favorite hotel -- we always leave feeling like the lucky kids we are.
That December we were in Siem Reap over Christmas and had plans to go on to Hong Kong, which we canceled at the last minute. I was sick, the HK weather was looking stormy and we were both eager to save some money. We ended up returning to Phnom Penh and our apartment at Liger. I was maybe a week late and had bought quality pregnancy tests when I was home in the States for my grandfather's memorial and burial. I told myself that I was probably not pregnant, as I had no symptoms of morning sickness or extra tiredness. I also didn't want to waste the expensive and limited tests with a false diagnosis. I talked to Jeff about it and retraced my steps on the app that I eventually did end up using (in concert with a basal thermometer, which I used religiously each morning). He was convinced I was probably pregnant.
He was right...
Early one morning, circa 5:30am, I couldn't wait any longer. I jumped out of bed in the dark, lit up my cell phone light (for some reason I didn't want Jeff to know I was awake and taking the test -- if it was negative, perhaps subconsciously I wanted to deal with that on my own at first) and took a test. The digital test needs light to activate, so the first one I took was a dud. Damn. I took another one and it was positive! It also happened to be pouring rain, which I love. Jeff was already awake and was outside laying on the couch. When I opened our big sliding bedroom doors, he looked up. I went to him and said, over the din of the rain, in the dark, "I took a test." "Aaaand?" he asked. "It was positive!"
Being the detail oriented and rather compulsive person I am, I had to fight the urges to give in to all the societal demands placed on expectant mothers from the get-go. I tried not to fall into the trap of believing there is only one way to produce a healthy baby. What to eat, which vitamins to take, what not to eat or drink, how much to sleep, which medicines were safe and not, how often to go to the doctor. We did a lot of Googling, and of course tried to stay within normal and popular guidelines (I had to kick the meth habit obviously...), but as ideas about only eating balanced and extremely healthy foods, tracking every bite -- no snacks, no sugar crossed my mind, I quickly shooed them away. Of course we would be healthy, but I was still going to eat pizza and wings and cookies when I wanted them.
A book was recommended to me by a friend from high school, which details the pregnancy and child-rearing experience of an American living in Paris. As I read it, I relaxed, because a lot of what she was saying was the norm in Paris, was what I was doing and how we wanted to raise our kid. Not giving up a sense of self, only to replace it with all things baby. Not molding our lives to the baby and over-structuring everything to the point of social paralysis. Not buying everything, brand new, that the baby could possibly want. Worrying about things like color coordination, eating placentas, birthing playlists, newborn photo shoots. None of that stuff appealed to us, so we didn't do any of it.
I was very lucky to have, by any account, a very easy pregnancy. I had no morning sickness. No terrible mood swings or cravings or aversions to food. I did not gain a huge amount of weight. I stayed small for almost five months. I was able to wear my normal clothes almost until we went home for the summer in June. I worked full time up until the day before Henry was born. My only pregnancy related complaints were lower back pain, occasional exhaustion, which would have me asleep by 5pm some days, and terrible heartburn, for which I popped 6-8 Gaviscon a day. Yum. I liked watching my belly get bigger, seeing the change from occasional pictures I took in a sports bra and underwear. This is really happening!
One of the best moments of the pregnancy was when we finally decided to tell the Liger Seniors, students we have known, taught and loved for nearly six years. I tried not to get my hopes up that they would be as excited as deep down we both wanted them to be. This is not about them, I reminded myself. They are teenagers, what does a baby matter to them? On top of everything else, it was the day before a long break, a day when the staff members who would not be returning the following year had made their departure announcements to much chagrin and tears. However, it was also a day that ended with all staff and students outside on campus playing a variety of hilarious Khmer games to celebrate the impending new year. Tears were replaced with laughter and smiles as kids ate bananas blindfolded, sucked water into their mouths for transfer to bottles on the other side of a field, and were tied together for a bodily tug of war.
We decided we would do it that night. Why not add on to the heap of emotions they were clearly feeling already? We called ahead to Mak Theary and asked her to gather all the Seniors in the Study Hall after dinner. I had told Jeff that we should prank the kids, make it seem like we were also leaving, so that's what we did. Jeff took my idea and ran with it. Upon entering the cavernous room, all but 4 Seniors in attendance, Jeff squatted down low, so as to be at eye level with the kids who were sitting on the floor, on bean bags, etc. He started by saying that today was a day of changes, and that we also had a change to announce -- he said that we had been there since year one, and that the kids were now a part of our family, and we wanted to be the ones to tell them specifically our news -- at this point, some of the girls already had tears in their eyes (Dalin, Soliday); others had suspicious looks on their faces, or looked shocked or disbelieving. I was standing next to Jeff, looking at the ceiling so as not to betray the truth. As he trailed off, he turned and looked up at me and I announced "We're having a baby!" I should not have worried about their reaction, because the entire room erupted into cheers, hoots, yells and sighs of relief. A visitor to campus was in one of the Senior houses during the time of the announcement and emailed me later that night to congratulate me and say he heard the reaction from where he was.
After the cheers subsided, kids immediately got up, reacting in their own ways. Some came right up to me, others went straight to Jeff. Kids said they knew it, they were shocked, others wanted to touch my belly, ask me questions about twins, boy or girl, would we have the baby here or at home?
That night I got an excited text from one of our girls, Chimean, saying "Caro, you can name your kid Taylor because it could be for a boy or a girl. If it's a girl name her Alexandra. If it's a boy name him Alexander -- Alex for short! I'm so so excited for this Caro!" The following morning as I was walking into work, one of our students, Maya, approached me, put his arm around my shoulders and said, "you know Caro, yesterday, your news...it really made my day." Their reactions and their immediate support of us and our unborn baby are things that still make me smile, memories I will never forget.
